Healing is not Linear
Well, hello again! Have you missed me? If you say “no”, I’ll know you’re lying. You like getting my posts. And I love writing them, only sometimes I just can’t. I’ve been contemplating how to best describe my life as of late without sounding either too grim or uncharacteristicly upbeat. The truth probably lies somewhere in between or maybe even includes both of these extremes.
This blog has existed for 7 years now (I just celebrated its 7th birthday on March 8). All these years I’ve had different kinds of posts, but let’s face it, who wants anything but cheery or funny stuff to read?! Well, sometimes I’m in neither of those moods. When even my sarcasm fails me, that’s how you know something serious going on.
I’ve been quite ill for the past year. I was still more or less functional till the summer, but then it hit me like a brick wall and knocked me off my feet (in a literal way too) pretty hard. I’m no stranger to some health battles. I survived cancer 12 years ago and have had a number of chronic symptoms to deal with quite often. If I tell you this one is now lasting longer than my oncology treatment, and it’s harder than cancer, would you believe me? It took me 8 months to get through cancer treatments, and I was uplifted by the inner knowing that I won’t die from it and will get through it. This clusterfuck of symptoms is rounding up its 9th month, and even though I see some improvement from the initial attack, its timeline is unknown at this point, and I’ve had relapses along the way. My daily conversations with The Upstairs are usually something like this: “Dear God, am I dying? Because I thought way too many times I was this past year”.
I can imagine some of you are shaking heads, “This is a cooking blog; this post does not belong here”. And once in a blue moon, I get a comment from some overzealous reader: “ Enough with your blah blah bs and never ending stories, get to the point and the actual recipe already!” I always have the same answer: “Have you read the description of this blog on my About page? Nowhere there did I say it’s just for recipes. This blog is my home, and it’s where the blog’s name is coming from, The House of Dee. It’s a dwelling where my heart and soul rest. And some of the times, my life may be spinning, and I’m overcome with no so cheerful mood because I’m only human. My house, my rules, and you’re a guest who knocked on my door. You can stay to share both my joys and my sorrows. You can read the posts or not, but I’m choosing to bare my soul for the world to see.”
Since last July, I have been dealing with an obscure neurological disorder. Up until then, I did not know it existed, and I’m very versed in all health things and medical science related. Doctors do not know much about this illness themselves; there are no pills besides the ones that make you feel like a zombie, so I’m not taking them. It’s one of those invisible disabilities where people usually say, “But you look fine”. Thanks, I feel like shit though, and everything is difficult now. Some days I can manage to do certain things but I get very tired, and dizzy, and out of breath even with little tasks. And on some other days all I can do is to sit in bed, because lying down actually makes it worse, in a dim silent room all day, counting every minute that feels like eternity, locked in this body that somehow still preserves life, locked in my mind that oscillates between fear and hopeful prayers.
One of my dear friends said, “When a caterpillar goes inside its cocoon, the body nearly liquifies before a beautiful butterfly is able to emerge.” I don’t know if I’ve liquified yet, but I’ve had plenty of very dark days (I know I’ll get a few more along the way again) not knowing if I have enough will to continue on. Everything is difficult now, and everything that I love in this life (reading, writing, cooking, creating, music and arts, seeing beautiful places, spending time with my favorite people) is either difficult or out of reach for now. I have to push through to accomplish the smallest of tasks. I don’t know yet what my future will be, but I want to remain hopeful that at one point my body will find some equilibrium and can function better, and my mind will be at ease too. I don’t know how long it’ll take me, and I’m not even entirely sure how to get there yet. If you think you’re winning at your life’s motto “mind over matter”, try doing it with a sick body and a soul that yearns for more but has to fight for it counting every little win. I’ve sat in my own shattered pieces and rebuilt myself so many times in life. I’ve already accomplished a lot in this life, and I can do it again however long it takes. Perhaps it’ll be in a different way, but I’ll find some resolution. Maybe inside me is this unconquerable little spirit that no matter how whisper thin it gets, it still stays intact. Maybe I don’t see that it’s there. Maybe I need to believe it even if I don’t feel it every day.
Don’t feel sorry for me. One day we’ll dance, we’ll drink, we’ll laugh, indulge in desserts, we’ll talk till the pinkish dawn touches upon the rooftops and colors the sky. But for now, do all the things that are hard for me today and send me the energy to do it all myself one day again. I’ll be coming back to post when I can. Cheer me on as I start the 7th year of this blog! What have you consistently maintained for 7 years, besides family and work of course? It takes discipline and a huge heaping of love to continue on. Send me prayers, send me healing energy and kind words, and we’ll continue on this blogging journey together for awhile longer.
