Long Time No Talk

I’ve been busy with other things. What things? It’s up to you to think what they are. If you’re of a sensitive type and don’t like hard life stuff, pretend I’ve been sunbathing somewhere at the French Rivera since January. If you can handle the truth, continue reading. Because the truth is I’ve been a little busy trying to survive, as in literally. And the times when even my sarcasm fails me, I tend to withdraw and go deep inside trying to find some inner resources to keep both the body and faith afloat.

I’ve always been open with my health struggles, here on the blog and in real life. I’m a cancer survivor and have remained cancer free for years, but sometimes my body just does crazy shit anyway so my Guardian Angels and I get to sit down and play “eeny meeny miny moe” and I get tagged with some health ridiculousness to see if I can still survive and persevere on Earth. Well, this year, I was tagged to play hospital too many times. I’ve been through quite a few of these game rounds in my life, enough for someone else to say even a couple of rounds are more than I can ever handle. But what can I say? Most I can do is just try to go day by day. Some days you bake fabulous cakes and chat about nonsense and other days you cry and pray to stay alive. Life balance, at least in my life.

The line between hope and despair is too thin sometimes and it can swing either way in a wild motion at any given moment. That’s when you take stock of your life and see what’d be left in case you’re gone. I’ve accomplished a lot even in the years I’ve lived so far, not in that grand way that you’d typically think success presents itself, but in a way how many people’s lives I’ve touched, made it lighter, brighter, brought in more compassion, understanding, kindness and love. Yet I’m still very much emotionally rooted here because I have a human I’m responsible for, and it doesn’t matter how old your kid is. My son was 9 when I was diagnosed with cancer, and he asked me the most obvious thing, if I was going to die. I told him I didn’t know but I’d do anything in my power to fight it so I can see him finishing school, going off to college and do all the other things kids go through growing up. I still have the same message for him now even though he’s not asking it anymore, I’m fighting it, kid! I know that a thought of losing me is as unfathomable to him at 21 as it was when he was 9. Are you ever old enough to say goodbye to your mom?! I’m nowhere being ready to do it myself. My mom is in her 70s but is still working and has been a source of unwavering support throughout my health struggles.

So, we’ve had a lot of good times together, right? Actually strike that! We’ve had the most fabulous time, remember? There’s more to life than what’s happening now. There are more great things up ahead for us.

I told my mom it feels like I lost about 50 IQ points going through the health issues this year. She quipped it’d still put me within a normal range. I don’t like when my mind is not sharp. It feels uncomfortable and unsettling but I’ll try to post when I can.

For now I just need to concentrate on the healing process. My kid is also in need of some healing and he’s having surgery next week too. So I’ll be in mommy mode till he recovers.

Please say a prayer for my son and me to wish us both a speedy recovery!

And seize your own day! Carpe diem, baby!